Above all else...

To thine own self be true.

Truer words have never been spoken. Graduates, I urge you not to fall into the traps of greed and envy that so plague our culture as you go out into the world. Corporate America has a way to pressure you, break you and change you. But remember who you are, where you came from, and that you are a unique individual capable of changing the world. You've already achieved so much, and you have your entire lives ahead of you to achieve whatever you dream. Don''t give up, don't give in, and truly follow your heart. There's no better judge of character than your self.

So Seniors, to quote Polonius from William Shakespeare's Hamlet one more time:

To thine own self be true...

Unless its for more than 6 figures. Then fuck it am I right? You can buy happiness.

"This one time in college..."

We know... you were a badass.

This phrase should be used exclusively when you are with friends from college, and when in their company, graduates, you probably should not say "This one time in college" since that's all you'll be talking about anyway.

Things to avoid in the real world

As I've walked through the valley of the shadow of post-collegiate unemployment, I've noticed, graduates, that there are a few things you shouldn't do as a "real-world citizen."

• Listen to Eagle Eye Cherry where people can hear you


• Mention anything about your penis on your resume (and if you do, make sure you use the word "phallus")


• Drunkenly assume that the police will forgive you because you're just young and "trying to have some fun"


• Drunkenly assume that the police will forgive you because you just graduated and you're "trying to relive those college days"


• Refer to any music that came out of the year 1998


• Constantly mention that you were popular in high school and/or college

Happy graduation seniors!

Congraduation

Welcome Graduates, Students, Faculty, Catering Staff, Janitorial Staff, Staff, Wizard's Staff, Parents, Grandparents, Siblings, Cousins, Nieces, Nephews, Cousin's twice removed, mentors, former colleagues, former teachers, academic advisers, Resident Directors, resident assistants, teacher's assistants and last but not least Uncle Frank.

We're gathered here at this blog to celebrate and honor the graduating class of 2009 from all over the country.

I am but a novice in the real world... barely out of the educational system that built me up, knocked me back down, built me up again and then made me develop an alcohol problem... but I feel justified in giving you graduating seniors what little advice I have in my arsenal.

So Seniors, lean back, open your ears and pay heed to Dru Johnston's poison tongue of wisdom.

Congraduation.